Friday, March 23, 2012

Walker and Trivette they are not

original run date February 14, 2012
Chariton Valley News Press

A few years ago we upgraded our satellite TV to include a DVR. Generally, I’m not a huge fan of sitting around watching TV since we aren’t home much but the DVR has turned out to be an upgrade I have grown to appreciate.
With kids in high school, our schedules are chaotic but with the DVR we can record our favorite shows. On those rare nights when we are home, we can actually watch something we like instead of settling for whatever is on. I can even records shows that the men in the house hate and watch them when the guys aren’t there. Of course, that means they can do the same.
I have never minded that so much until the night I was comfortably tucked in at my craft counter and was working happily. I looked up to see the list of recorded series. My dear loving husband had recorded Walker Texas Ranger.
Let me clarify right away that I like Chuck Norris, the man. He is an admirable person but that show is quite possibly the most ridiculous example of television production I have ever been exposed to.
The acting is terrible and the special affects are worse. Have you seen all the parts flying off that truck 20 times an episode – yet it just keeps trucking. For years Larry claimed it was because it was a Dodge. Seriously? Even a Dodge has to have all it’s parts intact to keep on running at 90 miles per hour.
Grown men are getting the tar beat out of them and never shed an ounce of fake blood. Amazingly they always manage to run out of an exploding building just in the nick of time. And even though the bad guys have automatic machine guns, they couldn’t hit a mountain surrounding them much less all the rangers shooting bb guns back at them. Walker, however, never misses a shot. I’m guessing he barely went through a box of shells a season.
Trivette always cracked me up. He was the only mildly believable character on the show. He threw punches that missed, missed shots all the time, and got his backside kicked on more than one occasion. He even wrecked a car or two – all for dramatic affect of course.
Then there is Alex. What woman in her right mind would marry a man that caused her to be kidnapped, shot at, and put in protective custody as many times as Walker did for her? This woman has dodged more bullets than John Wayne. If I remember right – since I was forced to watch every episode from beginning to end in syndication – there was a chance of her being shot on her wedding day. Really? This guy is causing her to dodge bullets in a wedding dress and she still says, “I do”.
That stupid show has repercussions in my home other than the obvious fact that I can never regain the time lost being forced to watch it. No, the pain doesn’t stop there. My husband and son will actually try and recreate their favorite scenes in the confines of our living room.
Let me first say that Jake is obviously no Clarence Gilyard and Larry is absolutely not Chuck Norris. Watching a 40-plus year old man that is not Chuck Norris try to do karate moves has certain comedic factors but it also makes me check my phone to ensure 911 is on speed dial.
It always makes me run to hide anything breakable that hasn’t already been demolished by the football games they play in the living room. I then say a prayer that no permanent injuries are sustained by either goofus I claim as family. When all that is done, I just cower under the kitchen table and pray they don’t ask me to be Alex. I don’t think “Larry Walker” would be near as happy with his woman at the end of the show.
It doesn’t matter how many times I sneak into the DVR record list and delete that program – it always comes back. Usually during those days when I can’t escape like during the blizzard of 2011. Larry will continue to record it and I will continue to make fun of every predictable scene. As long as it is in syndication, I will be forced to endure each and every episode over and over again.
Larry claims Chuck Norris is going to make me pay for my disdain of his show but I disagree. I tend to believe even Chuck cringes to see “Walker Texas Ranger” on his tv guide because even he knows just how bad that show was, is and always will be.

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